Father’s Day: Some consider us Monsters!
by alybee
Summary: Post Breaking Dawn one-shot. Carlisle reflects on his role as a father after a disturbing evening in the Emergency Room.


**Disclaimer**: I am jealous of Stephenie Meyer and her ability to create a world where you want to live. She owns the Twilight Saga, the characters, setting and I am just playing with her universe.

**Warning**: Somewhat dark at the beginning…

**A/N**: Sometimes a piece writes itself and other times it is a struggle to hear the character speak. And since this was from Carlisle's POV, he certainly needed to speak. Although the beginning and ending nearly wrote themselves, Carlisle remained stubbornly quiet in the middle. It was important that this piece not look like a duplication of my Esme story. Aside from the fact that Carlisle is a man, his life experiences are far different from Esme's and his reflections should demonstrate that. So after many wrestling matches, Carlisle finally spoke. I am hoping that this speaks to you as well.

This piece is dedicated to the many fathers who have been incredible role models and to the teachers, doctors, social workers, police officers and others who daily experience the horrors that result with parenting gone bad but still manage to make a difference in the lives of children.

Additionally, the hospital scenarios are based on true stories of real children. Some details were changed "to protect the innocent".

Finally, thanks to miss understood615 who had to repeatedly read through this and listened to my frustrations in getting this story to come together.

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_He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland_

And the world would say that we are monsters! Even after three centuries, it never fails to amaze me the depravity of the human mind. Several weeks ago, I had been asked to share some of my medical knowledge and training with the staff at Seattle's Children's Hospital. After getting permission from the head of the County Hospital in Forks, I made arrangements to spend 3 days a week in Seattle. Tonight was my last night. It had been a long evening in the Emergency Room. I don't have to worry about physical exhaustion, but there are just some events that truly drain me emotionally. And the events of this past evening wore on me mentally. What I had seen and experienced during this tour of duty definitely hit a nerve in the core of my being.

The shift had begun as any other shift. There was never a quiet moment in an emergency room and this was no exception. Doctors and nurses moved quickly around one another with purposeful strides and determined grimaces. People shouted out orders with a brisk, no nonsense manner. Gurneys carrying small ones sped off to the operating room or to settle its tiny patients into a bed on a designated ward. Parents and family members wandered around in the waiting room hoping for answers or looking for information and others sobbed as their grief or the anticipated news that would transform their world was absorbed.

I had worked in small and large emergency rooms and I had to admit that the emergency room of a Children's Hospital was probably the most challenging. To face daily the horrors and tragedies that were visited upon some of the youngest and most vulnerable members of our society was often heart wrenching. I had seen residents and experienced doctors alike confront the harsh realities of life in an emergency room and crumble under its weight. No doctor, even one with extra gifts and senses such as me, possessed the god-like healing powers needed to right some of the wrongs or spare a little child the painful journey that he would be taking.

Tonight, as I stood in the middle of this very busy ER, I was reminded of the basest part of human nature and the perversion of fatherhood. The first incident that arrived in the ER was a young teenage couple, unmarried but already the parents of a six week old infant girl. The child had dark curly hair and a creamy coffee complexion that was tinged with a grayish pallor. If I did not have the senses that I did which allowed me the ability to hear her tiny beating heart, I might have thought that she was dead. The mother, just a child herself, had tears streaming down her face and was screaming for help as the paramedics wheeled the infant into the emergency ward. A young man, apparently the father, was silent yet his face bore a guilt that would forever change him. It was revealed that the mother had gone out with friends leaving her newborn daughter in the care of her boyfriend, the father of the child. It appeared that he had become angry and agitated with the baby during the course of the evening and could not calm her. In his outrage, he had shaken the child to the point of severe injury. Department of Social Services was called as well as the local authorities. As the team of medical professional worked to stabilize the tiny life and to determine her condition, I fought within myself to push back the anger that wanted to escape. What punishment would suit a crime such as this? The infant would likely have severe brain damage and other complications as a result of the trauma inflicted on her. The young man, her father, would forever live with the knowledge of what he had done but was that enough of a consequence?

Not long after we had transferred the small infant to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, then our next victim had arrived. This time our patient was a 3 year old male child brought into the ER. He had sustained third degree burns covering 50% of his body. The neighbors had heard the child's piercing shrieks and called the police. When the authority arrived at the home, they had discovered that the child's father had decided to punish his young son for some supposed wrong doing by placing him in a bathtub of scalding hot water. The burns were severe and although we did our best, I was afraid that he would lose several toes on one foot. What more would this evening hold? I wish I could say that those were the only tragic incidents of the evening but peace was not to be granted to Seattle tonight.

The evening continued at a frenetic and turbulent pace. I worked to compartmentalize my emotions in order to remain present and focused on the patients who needed me and I was thankful that my vampiric mind provided me more of an ability to separate things than the humans that I served with. As dawn neared and my twelve hour shift ended, I headed home to my family. I drove slower than usual hoping that time would allow some of the evening's atrocities to slip away. I hated bringing home the heaviness from my work. I knew that it was not only hard on Esme to see me this way, but Edward would read it in my mind. Fortunately, Jasper would be spared from experiencing it in a second-hand way through the sensing of my emotions. He and Alice were currently away from home.

I wondered if I should give Esme a call. No, she would only worry about me and I needed some time to process the evening's events. Instead, I decided to take a slight detour and go hunting. I found a place to safely park the Mercedes and I brought it to a stop. I slid smoothly from behind the wheel and began at a slow jog into the woods. When I was certain that I was beyond human notice, I picked up speed. It felt good to my tense muscles to allow them the freedom of use. After awhile, I began to succumb to my senses which took over and began the search for the sounds of animals and the beating of their hearts. I turned my face into the breeze in order to catch their scent. When I was convinced it was safe and that I was not picking up the scent of a wayward human, I fully allowed my instincts to drive me towards my prey. I came upon a small herd of elk and immediately targeted the largest beast. I was able to take him down before he had time to move. My razor sharp teeth sunk into his throat and I quickly drained him of his blood. Tossing him aside, I searched for others. After I had drunk my share, I started back to the car but found myself drawn to a stream and some rocks. I settled myself on a rather large, smooth rock on the edge of the water. The birds were singing high in the trees and the sun was breaking through the branches which formed a canopy above my head.

While I sat, my mind began to wander to my family at home. Normally, when I arrived home, I would find Rose in the garage tweaking one of the cars as was her habit. Jasper and Emmett would be engrossed in whatever game or challenge or bet that they currently had going on. Alice would be flitting about planning some mischief or interacting with the others, and Edward, Bella and Renesmee would be spending time enjoying one another. However, there were a smaller number of us currently at the house. Alice and Jasper were on vacation in Canada and Rose and Emmett were on an extended second-honeymoon in South America. Those that remained would be staying close to home due to the unusually sunny weather. Esme, my other half, my heart, would likely be bent over some drawings or blueprints as she planned out a house for our next move. We had decided that with our growing family, which included the addition of Renesmee, and now Jacob, that we would likely need to design a home to meet our needs.

As the visions of my family members flickered in my mind's eye, I was transported back to another time many centuries ago. The world of my youth was a different place. In my boyhood, it was customary for a young man to marry and raise a family. It was essential to survival especially for those who lived by the fruit of the land. Parenting was different in those days. There were no books or television psychologists dealing out advice. The death of an infant or a young child was not uncommon. Disease, harsh winters, and lack of appropriate nutrition often stole away a child's life before it really had a chance to begin. Family bonds were different as a result of the tenuousness of their existence.

I had also grown up in a time when a man believed that his wife and children were his property to do with as he pleased. It wasn't unusual for a man to harshly beat his spouse or even his off-spring to show his displeasure at some behavior of theirs. It was almost considered his right. A wife and children were chattel similar to livestock. Yet, even then, I could never stomach how men would treat their supposed loved ones. My father had been harsh, demanding, and critical. Life had not always been easy but deep in my own being I rebelled against what I saw around me. Even from the moment of my change, I resisted the part of my new nature that thirsted for the blood of innocents. There had to be another way, and there was. Rather than choosing to succumb to the part of me that craved the life-sustaining liquid flowing through the veins of humans, I had found feeding off animals to satiate my hunger and allow me to rise above what I had become. And through the centuries my feelings and beliefs have not wavered.

With my change, I realized that relationships, family, marriage and children would not be the same if they were to even come at all. I recognized that I could not be in a normal relationship with a human woman and I would never force a change on someone who had another option, and fathering a child was not something that I was aware was even a possibility for a vampire until recently. My foray into family life came many years, decades, even centuries later when I discovered Edward dying in a hospital in Chicago. In deciding to "save" Edward, I took on the responsibility of fatherhood and parenting before marriage.

In the early days and months, life with Edward had been awkward and difficult. I had not lived in such close proximity with another of my kind in many decades. During that initial period of acquainting ourselves with one another, I wondered if I had made the right choice. Edward struggled with what he had now become and I worked to find ways to ease his transition into my world. It is hard enough being the parent of a newborn but it is particularly challenging when that newborn is a teenage boy, almost a man and a vampire. Parenting became easier with Esme's arrival. Her presence seemed to soothe something in Edward and she became a natural mediator between the two of us.

Over the years, and as my family expanded, I grew in my understanding of what it meant to be a father. It was clear to me that a father wasn't just a father because of a biological contribution whether it was sperm or in my case venom. Instead, a father is someone who possesses certain qualities and inspires his children to emulate those characteristics. I realized without a doubt that each of my children respected me and the choices that I made. Even when I was not aware of it, they were watching me to see how I would respond when faced with challenging situations or even just every day circumstances. In their own ways, they looked to me for guidance and wisdom. Despite their different personalities and life experiences, they would seek me out to discuss a situation that they were encountering and ask for my input. Some days, I wondered if I was worthy of the faith that they placed in me to guide them. For my sons, I know they also closely observe my interactions with my wife to see what it means to be a husband. In turn, I can see evidence of my influence in the way they love, respect, and protect their own mates. My daughters are fortunate to have Esme to turn to for most of their inquiries, but they do surprise me at times with a question that requires a male point of view.

Grace, mercy and forgiveness should be an automatic reaction in any home. However, for our kind and for the lifestyle we had chosen it was a true necessity. I knew how hard the struggle was to resist the temptation to kill for what we desired. Although, I had never taken a human life to satisfy my needs, I did not hold against the others their choices and struggles. It is especially not easy for a newborn vampire to resist human blood. Each of my children were aware of my core beliefs and were committed to following them, still there were times where each one had grappled with this choice and given in to their basic need. When that happened, they needed more than just "oh, it's okay." There is a difference between imparting grace versus writing something off as no problem. If they were to remain as part of our family, they needed to recognize that they could become more than what they were. Nevertheless, grace, mercy and forgiveness were essential in helping them to reach their potential. I have learned to give grace freely, to extend mercy with compassion, and to forgive with open arms. I remember more nights than I care to when one has returned with the evidence of their failure visible in the color of their eyes. Jasper struggled with our lifestyle choices the most when he first arrived in our home. Not only did he struggle with resisting the urges that he had so freely satisfied in his previous life, but with receiving the grace and forgiveness that we bestowed upon him. In return, rather than his abusing our compassion, he would strive to abstain.

Typical fathers experience the growth of their children from infancy to adulthood. Most parents will agree that adolescence and the early years of young adulthood can be the most difficult time to parent. It is a period when the child believes they know more than the parent and that they know better what they should do. I have six children, the youngest changed at 17 and the oldest at 20, who would forever remain in some ways in that period between childhood and adulthood. When the change from human to vampire occurs, there is a stopping of growth that occurs not only physically but emotionally as well. It would be so easy to allow them to remain driven by their level of development. With any teenager and young adult, it is important to instill in them a sense of responsibility and accountability for their actions. When that teenager or young adult will remain in that stage for centuries and millenniums, the need for responsibility and to foster independence and maturity becomes critical non-negotiables.

Part of fatherhood has to be as a compass, directing them each to the path that would allow them to grow and become the best that they have in them. Sometimes this includes letting them make their own mistakes and living with the consequences. It was difficult to stand by and allow Rose to exact revenge against her attackers or to watch as Edward chose to initially leave Bella. Watching your child struggle with painful decisions and to make choices that you don't agree with is heart-wrenching. Nonetheless, if they are to grow, it is essential to let them learn from their choices, just as it is fundamental to be there with open arms when they return seeking forgiveness and restoration.

As vampires, we are physically superior to humans in many ways including being faster, stronger, and with greater senses. Our brains are more advanced and have greater capacity than that of a human. It is very easy to develop a condescending attitude towards humans. Actually, in some ways that arrogance and even insolences often makes it easier to justify the feeding on humans. However, I found that our compassion towards humans help us maintain our lifestyle and ability to live closely among mortals. By working at a hospital and caring for people on a daily basis, I am constantly forced to tap into a place of benevolence. My family, though, had found ways to maintain a separate life without thinking much about the need for compassion and concern. With the entrance of Bella into our existence, my family was forced to excavate parts of their lost humanity that had been long since buried. The encounter with James and his coven, the battle with the newborns, and the confrontation with the Volturi, provided us with several invaluable lessons over the past couple of years. The way my family gathered together and looked to me for leadership was a testament to the bonds that we have created and their commitment to our way of life. While I stood in the clearing, facing Aro and the others, I realized how far I had traveled from the days that I had spent in their company. Aro, Marcus, and Caius in losing their connection to humanity had begun to sacrifice the moral principles that had previously allowed them to lead and protect our kind. Their sense of deity had colored their world and justified the choices and decisions that they were making to the point that obtaining what they desired often outweighed justice. The strength of my family as they stood together spoke loudly to both sides that day.

Sounds of squawking birds suddenly jostled me out of my reflections and I stood from my stone seat. I knew it was time to return to my home and the family that would be waiting for me. I retraced my steps through the trees to my car and clicked the button on my key unlocking the driver's side door and smoothly let myself in. I pulled my seatbelt across my chest and lap not for safety reasons but in order to follow the rules of the road. We worked hard not to draw unneeded attention to ourselves and complying with the law was matter of fact. With a turn of the key in the ignition, the engine purred to life, and I was soon on my way home. I made good time and was rapidly approaching the turn off from the main road that would lead to our extended driveway. I steered the car toward the unpaved lane and approached the house, cutting the engine just outside of the garage.

As I approached the front door, I could hear laughter drifting from the backyard. Edward was with Bella and Renesmee in the rear. I let myself into the house and was greeted by Esme. She rose from her chair and began to come towards me. She had indeed been working on her drawings and plans for the new home. The dining room table that was rarely ever used for its real purpose was nearly obliterated by paper, blueprints, rulers, pencils, and magazine pictures. However, all that was left behind, and her face lit up with a smile meant only for me. It thrilled me to no end that after 8 decades she was as excited to see me as she was in the beginning. I pulled her towards me and bent down to kiss her. She eagerly returned my kiss. The softness of her lips, the feel of her hands on my back, and the sweetness of her scent never failed to excite and relax me at the same time. Any place was home when I held her in my arms.

"Happy Father's Day" she whispered into my ear. Despite all my earlier meditations on the qualities of fathers, I hadn't even registered that it was Father's Day. I pulled her closer and buried my face in her hair breathing in her scent and allowing it to calm me further. We had been with each other long enough to be able to read each other's body language. She was in-tune enough with my emotions to know that it had probably been a tough shift and that I would share with her when I was ready. I was thankful that she did not press me to verbalize what I was feeling.

Suddenly, she squirmed around in my arms and I allowed her enough space to turn and face outward. I was not ready to lose contact with her and she didn't seem too eager to escape my grasp, but she did seem to want to show me something. I allowed her to lead me over to the glass wall and we stood in our living room, with my arms encircling her, as we gazed at Edward playing with Renesmee. Bella sat upon a rock and watched her husband and daughter. Her smile was a reflection of what I felt deep within my chest, a deep, pure joy that resonated throughout my whole being. As Edward chased his and Bella's miracle, he would capture her in his arms and gently toss her into the air. Her squeal of delight rang throughout the air and her clear voice rang with pleas of more. And the game would begin again as he would deposit her carefully on the ground and she would take off running in a zig zag pattern stopping occasionally to see if her father was still following her. Her chocolate brown eyes bright with delight, her bronze ringlets falling around her face, and her cheeks flushed red from the excitement of the game. Just when she least expected it, Edward would again envelop her in his arms and toss her up into the air. Her trust and confidence in her father was evident in the relaxed and secure manner in which she gave herself over to the game.

More than any words on a card or gift that could be purchased at a store, the present that awaited me just outside my window assured me that I had made the right decision on that ill-fated evening in a hospital ward in Chicago. And some might call us monsters…but as I gazed upon my son playing with his small daughter I knew that there was something more, that we were something more.

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Thanks for reading this…and I hope the ending balanced off the harsh beginning. Please review!


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